Finding the right woman to share your life with doesn’t have to feel like a guessing game. With the Contenders List concept from Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, you can approach dating with clarity, purpose, and confidence. This method helps you identify the kind of wife who aligns with your values while avoiding wasting time on women who aren’t a fit for a meaningful, lasting relationship.
Here’s how the Contenders List can transform your approach to relationships, help you attract the right woman, and prevent you from missing red flags along the way.
What Is the Contenders List?
The Contenders List is a structured way to outline the qualities you want in a wife, ensuring your focus remains on what truly matters for a successful relationship.
Yes, physical traits like her smile or fitness level can be part of the list, but these aren’t what will sustain a meaningful connection. The emphasis should be on enduring qualities: kindness, respect, supportiveness, emotional stability, and shared values.
You’ll also include qualities you don’t want in a wife—traits that are clear red flags. These might include disrespect, dishonesty, or a lack of emotional maturity. Identifying these deal-breakers ahead of time ensures you don’t compromise on the essentials.
By writing out these lists, you create a roadmap to recognize women who are aligned with your goals and eliminate unnecessary distractions.
Why Focus on What You Want?
A powerful psychological principle backs the Contenders List: what you focus on is what you’ll attract. If your energy is spent worrying about what you don’t want—like women who are disrespectful or emotionally unavailable—you’ll find yourself noticing these negative traits more often.
Instead, focus on the qualities you want in your future wife. As you date, your brain will naturally be drawn to women who exhibit those traits. This alignment isn’t magic—it’s your mind working in tandem with your goals.
Visualization and the Love Letter
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I suggest taking the Contenders List a step further by writing a love letter to your future wife in the present tense.
Describe your life with her as if it’s already happening. How does she make you feel? What shared experiences bring joy and meaning to your relationship? What qualities do you admire most about her?
This exercise helps you visualize your future and brings your subconscious into alignment with what you’re looking for. Visualization is a proven psychological tool for achieving goals, and applying it to your love life can help you spot women who are a match for your values and vision.
Using the Contenders List in Your Dating Life
The Contenders List isn’t just an exercise—it’s a practical tool you can apply to every aspect of your dating journey.
Test for Alignment Early On
When you meet a woman, pay attention to how she treats you and whether she possesses the qualities you’ve outlined on your list. Is she respectful? Supportive? Emotionally grounded?Respect Your Boundaries
If a woman exhibits traits from your “red flags” list, don’t rationalize or ignore them. While chemistry or physical attraction may tempt you to overlook these signs, staying true to your list ensures you avoid future conflict or heartache.Celebrate Compatibility
When you meet a woman who aligns with your list, take note of how naturally your connection develops. These are the relationships worth investing your time and energy into.
Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Men often fall into the trap of focusing solely on physical traits or ignoring red flags due to loneliness or societal pressure. The Contenders List keeps you grounded by reminding you of your long-term goals and what truly matters in a relationship.
If you’re casually dating, it’s fine to meet women who don’t meet all your criteria—but be clear with yourself that they aren’t potential wives. This honesty prevents emotional entanglement with women who don’t align with your values.
Why the Contenders List Works
The Contenders List is grounded in both psychology and neuroscience. By clearly defining what you want, you train your mind to notice opportunities that align with your goals. You also avoid cognitive dissonance—the mental discomfort that arises when your actions don’t match your values—by staying true to your standards.
Additionally, the visualization component activates your brain’s reticular activating system (RAS), helping you recognize patterns and opportunities that match your vision. When you meet a woman who checks all the boxes, you’ll feel an intuitive connection because you’ve already prepared your mind to recognize her.
Personal Success with the Contenders List
In my own life, the Contenders List played a pivotal role in finding my wife, “Nurse Chick.” Before meeting her, I wrote out all the qualities I wanted in a wife and the red flags I wouldn’t tolerate.
When Nurse Chick entered my life, she matched every item on my list. Because I had done the work of defining my values and staying true to them, recognizing her as the right woman was effortless. This clarity allowed our relationship to grow naturally and healthily.
Taking the First Step
If you’re ready to attract the right woman and build a fulfilling relationship, start by creating your Contenders List. Write out what you want in a wife, visualize your life with her, and focus on aligning your actions with your vision.
For more detailed guidance, grab a copy of Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18. This book dives deep into the psychology of attraction, helping you navigate the dating world with confidence and purpose.
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