In this blog post, I'm going to dive into an issue that many men in long-term relationships or marriages experience: Why has my wife stopped having sex with me? If you're asking yourself this question, know you're not alone. From my experience coaching men and what I outlined in my book, Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, it's a complex problem that can be resolved once you understand the underlying causes. Drawing on insights from other essential reads, such as Athol Kay’s Married Man’s Sex Life Primer, Rollo Tomassi's The Rational Male, and Christopher Canwell’s Atomic Attraction, we will explore how attraction works in long-term relationships and how to rebuild it.
The Dreaded Question: Why Has the Intimacy Faded?
Many men come to me confused and frustrated because they can't figure out why their sex life has dried up. In the early days of dating, intimacy and attraction seemed effortless. You and your wife couldn’t keep your hands off each other, but as the years passed, something shifted.
This leads men to ask: What changed?
There are typically two main reasons:
- Loss of Attraction
- The "Betaization" Process
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I discuss how maintaining attraction in long-term relationships is crucial. Attraction isn’t static; it requires ongoing attention and effort. Early on, you were likely more focused on being the best version of yourself—whether through physical appearance, confidence, or ambition. Over time, many men, especially after getting married, begin to lose focus on these areas, leading to what Rollo Tomassi refers to as "betaization" in The Rational Male. This process happens when a man slowly loses his alpha traits and slips into a more passive, agreeable role, which is often less attractive to his wife.
Understanding Attraction: What Women Respond To
The concept of attraction is complex, but it boils down to a few key factors, all of which I dive deep into in the dating chapters of my book. Women are drawn to strength, confidence, and mystery. You see, during the initial stages of your relationship, you probably exhibited all these traits. You were more focused on yourself, your goals, and maintaining that "edge" that kept her interested.
Christopher Canwell touches on this dynamic in Atomic Attraction, where he discusses how maintaining an aura of mystery and self-sufficiency is essential for attraction. As the relationship progresses, many men become too predictable and overly available. That kills the thrill.
Case in point: Ask yourself, Have I become too familiar, too predictable?
One way to reignite the spark is to shift back into focusing on your own development—whether it’s your career, fitness, or social life. When a man puts himself first, not in a selfish way but in a self-respecting way, it creates the kind of dynamic that can reignite the attraction.
The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Long-Term Attraction
Now, when I talk about focusing on yourself, it’s not about being cold or detached from your wife. It’s about maintaining emotional intelligence, which I describe in Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18. Emotional intelligence is knowing when and how to engage in your wife’s emotions, but without being sucked into the drama or acting overly emotional yourself.
A lot of men mistake emotional intelligence as being more vulnerable or emotionally open. However, in reality, it’s about empathizing with your wife’s emotional state without being swayed by it. For example, when she’s upset, instead of immediately trying to fix the problem, just listen. Athol Kay in Married Man’s Sex Life Primer explains that women don’t necessarily want solutions; they want to be heard. But, if you’re constantly the "fixer," you’re not playing into the dynamic of attraction. Instead, you're acting more like a friend or therapist.
Rebuilding Sexual Tension: The Law of Dread
Another reason why your wife may have stopped being intimate with you is the absence of sexual tension. Long-term relationships tend to neutralize that tension over time. In The Rational Male, Rollo Tomassi introduces the concept of "The Law of Dread." This law suggests that women need to feel, at some level, that their man could walk away at any moment—that they could lose him to another woman or to his passions and pursuits.
This doesn't mean you should threaten your wife or make her feel insecure. Instead, it means refocusing your attention on becoming a high-value man that other women would desire. When you carry yourself with confidence, take care of your health, and focus on your mission, you reintroduce that element of "dread" without being manipulative.
I cover this in more detail in Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18. In the book, I talk about the importance of maintaining your independence and the danger of becoming too available or compliant in a relationship. Women crave emotional excitement, and if you’re always accessible and predictable, it can lead to a "dead bedroom."
How to Rekindle Physical Intimacy
Now that we’ve talked about the causes, let’s dive into some actionable strategies to rekindle intimacy in your marriage.
- Focus on Your Physical Health: Athol Kay emphasizes the importance of maintaining physical fitness in Married Man’s Sex Life Primer. Your physical appearance plays a significant role in your wife's attraction to you. Hit the gym, take care of your body, and you'll start to see a shift in how she views you.
- Flirt with Your Wife: Often, after years of marriage, men stop flirting. You have to bring back that light, playful energy. Tease her, compliment her, and reignite the fun in your relationship. Christopher Canwell touches on the power of sexual tension and how playful teasing can rebuild attraction in Atomic Attraction.
- Rebuild Mystery: Don’t always be predictable. Take up a new hobby, go out with friends, and live your life in a way that isn’t fully centered around her. When you focus on yourself and your passions, she’ll start to wonder about you again, and that can reignite her interest.
- Maintain Emotional Control: Emotional stability is critical. When your wife is upset or tests you, respond with calmness and strength. As I mention in my book, emotional regulation isn’t about being cold but about being steady in the face of emotional challenges. This demonstrates your confidence and leadership in the relationship.
- Schedule Regular Date Nights: Carve out time to reconnect with your wife emotionally. Build sexual tension throughout the day by sending her flirty texts or leaving her notes. Keep the spark alive by focusing on both emotional and physical intimacy.
- Lead in the Bedroom: You need to take the lead when it comes to intimacy. A passive approach often leads to a dead bedroom. Be assertive, not aggressive, but guide your wife back into a space of intimacy. Christopher Canwell talks about how leading in the bedroom is essential for keeping the flame alive in Atomic Attraction.
Why You Need to Act Now
If you’re serious about fixing the issues in your relationship, it’s time to take action. In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I go in-depth about the importance of continuous self-improvement and how you can reignite attraction in long-term relationships. If you’ve let things slide, that’s okay—it’s never too late to turn things around. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be to rekindle the spark.
Book a Strategy Session to Fix Your Relationship
If you’re ready to take control of your relationship and rekindle the intimacy, I offer personalized coaching to help you get there. Book a free strategy session with me, and we’ll develop a plan tailored to your specific situation. Let’s turn things around, so your wife will want you again. You can schedule a call at http://call.fixdeadbedrooms.com.
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