Reviving sexual desire in a marriage can feel like an uphill battle. For many men, the intimacy that once flourished early on in a relationship starts to fade, leaving both partners frustrated and disconnected. But what if I told you that reigniting that spark is not only possible but entirely within your control? In this blog post, I’ll share insights from my book, Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18 (grab a copy here), along with strategies from Married Man’s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay, The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, and Atomic Attraction by Christopher Canwell to help you restore sexual desire in your marriage.
Understanding the Decline in Sexual Desire
It’s important to acknowledge that shifts in sexual desire are natural over time. Life gets in the way—kids, work, stress—but it’s also crucial to recognize that this does not have to be the norm in your marriage. In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I touch on the importance of maintaining attraction throughout the relationship by constantly improving yourself, both mentally and physically. This personal development not only benefits you but directly impacts how your partner sees and responds to you.
The Problem with Trying to "Fix" Her
One common mistake I see many men make is thinking that the issue lies solely with their wives. They believe that if they can “fix” her behavior or attitude, everything will return to normal. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As I explain in the dating chapter of my book, you can’t control other people, but you can control yourself—and that’s where the focus should be. Trying to control or change her directly often leads to resentment and creates more distance in the relationship.
Instead, take ownership of the situation by working on yourself first. By increasing your own sexual market value (SMV), as described in Atomic Attraction by Christopher Canwell, you become more desirable in her eyes. Canwell emphasizes that attraction is not just about physical appearance but also confidence, charisma, and emotional stability—all qualities you can cultivate through self-improvement.
Step 1: Increase Your Sexual Market Value (SMV)
Athol Kay, in his book Married Man’s Sex Life Primer, breaks down the concept of SMV and how it plays a crucial role in reigniting sexual desire within a marriage. According to Kay, a man’s SMV is made up of various factors, including his physical fitness, social status, and the way he carries himself. When a woman perceives that her husband’s SMV is rising, it triggers her natural attraction response.
Here’s how to get started:
Physical Fitness: This is one of the easiest ways to make an immediate impact on your SMV. In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I stress the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Regular exercise not only improves your physical appearance but also boosts confidence, which women find irresistibly attractive.
Mental Fitness: Equally important is mental fitness—continuously learning, growing, and being curious about the world around you. As Rollo Tomassi notes in The Rational Male, maintaining mental sharpness and emotional control is crucial in relationships. Women are drawn to men who can keep their emotions in check and think strategically rather than react emotionally.
Confidence and Assertiveness: These are key pillars of masculinity. In Atomic Attraction, Canwell highlights that women are attracted to confidence and decisiveness. When you exhibit strong leadership qualities in your life and relationship, your wife will naturally be drawn to you.
Step 2: Cultivate Emotional Leadership
Rollo Tomassi’s work in The Rational Male stresses the importance of emotional leadership in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Emotional leadership doesn’t mean being stoic or shutting down your emotions; rather, it means leading with calmness, control, and resilience. In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I discuss the significance of framing situations positively and staying grounded in your masculine energy.
Tomassi argues that emotional instability in men leads to a lack of attraction from their partners. If you’re constantly stressed, anxious, or overly emotional, it can cause your wife to lose respect and attraction. On the other hand, being able to handle stressful situations with composure reinforces her perception of you as a stable, reliable partner.
Step 3: Reignite the Seduction Process
In Married Man’s Sex Life Primer, Athol Kay outlines the concept of slowly reintroducing seduction into the relationship. Many men mistakenly assume that sexual desire will simply return once they’ve improved themselves, but the reality is that attraction must be rekindled through gradual steps.
Start by focusing on non-sexual physical touch. Touch her shoulder when walking by, give her a hug, or lightly brush her hair from her face. These small gestures help to rebuild intimacy and connection without the immediate pressure of sex. As Kay advises, patience is key—rushing the process can backfire and push her further away.
Additionally, Kay suggests reigniting playful flirting. Remember how you acted when you first started dating? You teased her, made her laugh, and exuded confidence. Bringing this energy back into the relationship can help shift the dynamic and remind her of why she was attracted to you in the first place.
Step 4: Stop Seeking Validation
A major pitfall for many men is seeking validation from their wives. In The Rational Male, Rollo Tomassi explains how men who constantly seek approval from their wives end up killing the attraction. Women want to be with men who are secure in themselves and don’t need constant reassurance.
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I emphasize the importance of internal validation. When you rely on your own sense of self-worth and don’t depend on external validation, you exude confidence and independence, two qualities that are inherently attractive to women.
Step 5: Take Ownership of Your Role in the Marriage
At the end of the day, reviving sexual desire in your marriage requires taking ownership of your role in the relationship. In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18 (find it on Amazon here), I discuss how self-improvement and taking responsibility for your own actions can lead to greater fulfillment in your relationship. The key to reigniting attraction lies in continuous growth, emotional resilience, and leadership.
Athol Kay’s Married Man’s Sex Life Primer and Rollo Tomassi’s The Rational Male both echo this sentiment. When you focus on improving yourself—rather than trying to fix your wife—the entire dynamic of the relationship shifts. Your confidence grows, your SMV increases, and as a result, her attraction to you naturally begins to return.
Step 6: Embrace the Long Game
One of the biggest takeaways from Atomic Attraction is that attraction is not a one-time fix—it’s a long game. Building and maintaining attraction in a marriage requires consistent effort and dedication. It’s about creating a lifestyle that makes you the best version of yourself, not just for her but for your own personal growth and fulfillment.
Christopher Canwell emphasizes that attraction is something that needs to be cultivated over time, through regular acts of self-care, leadership, and emotional resilience. Don’t expect immediate results, but trust in the process. Over time, as you continue to improve yourself and lead your marriage, the sexual desire will follow.
Conclusion: How to Get Started
Reviving sexual desire in a marriage isn’t easy, but it’s entirely possible with the right mindset and approach. Start by focusing on improving yourself—your physical fitness, mental strength, and emotional control. Gradually reintroduce intimacy, stop seeking validation, and take ownership of your role in the relationship. And remember, this is a long game, but the rewards are worth it.
If you’re ready to take the next step and get tailored advice for your specific situation, book a free strategy session with me today at http://call.fixdeadbedrooms.com. Together, we’ll dive deep into your relationship and come up with actionable strategies to get your wife to want to have sex again. Don’t wait—take control of your marriage and restore the intimacy you’ve been missing.
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