I’ve had a lot of guys come to me asking, “Why has my wife lost interest in sex?” or “How do I get her to want me again?” If you’re asking yourself these questions, you're not alone, and the good news is, it’s entirely possible to reignite that passion and restore intimacy. Today, I want to break down what I've learned over the years, drawing from my own experiences and from books like Atomic Attraction by Christopher Canwell and my own book Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18.
In this article, I’ll give you actionable strategies to get your wife to desire you again. And trust me, it’s not about changing her, but about changing yourself.
Dominance and Confidence: The Foundation of Attraction
One of the key points I’ve learned—and something I talk about in Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18—is that confidence is the bedrock of attraction. Women are drawn to men who are in control, not just of situations, but of themselves.
One of the things Erik Everhard says in Unleash Your Sexual Superpowers is that women will overlook a lot if you're great in bed. Now, being great in bed isn’t just about technique. It’s about your energy, your confidence, and how you carry yourself. When you’re assertive, dominant, and self-assured, women pick up on that. They can sense it.
Frame Matters
If you want your wife to be sexually interested in you again, one of the most important things to do is establish a strong frame. You can’t approach your relationship from a position of insecurity or neediness. The frame I’ve learned to adopt is one where I’m not chasing her for validation or sex. In fact, I’ve learned that treating sex as a reward rather than a need has shifted the dynamic in my relationships.
Take this example: If she’s been a “good girl,” and has shown you respect, you can say, “Keep that up, and maybe I’ll let you XYZ me tonight.” This positions you as the prize, and that’s an important part of masculine dominance. You’re not begging or pleading for her attention; you’re rewarding her for meeting your standards.
Use Verbal Dominance to Heighten Desire
A lot of guys underestimate the power of talking dirty. It’s something I touch on in my book, Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, and it’s also emphasized in Atomic Attraction. Words are powerful tools of seduction, and knowing how to use them can make a huge difference.
When you whisper something dominant in her ear, like “Whose body is this?” or “I own this,” you’re tapping into her mind. Women’s biggest erogenous zone is their brain, and when you stimulate that, the physical response follows. It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. Speak with confidence, speak with authority, and speak with intent. Make her feel sexy, and she'll become more receptive to intimacy.
Changing the Way You Touch Her
Sometimes, the smallest changes can have the biggest impact. In Atomic Attraction, Canwell discusses how women respond to men who lead physically. That’s something I emphasize as well. Your touch should communicate confidence and dominance.
For example, try this: next time you're with your wife, pick her up, carry her upstairs, and throw her onto the bed without saying a word. Your physical dominance will speak volumes. She wants to feel that masculine energy, that control, that leadership. You’re guiding the interaction, not waiting for her to take the lead.
If you’re hesitant or unsure about doing this, practice building up your confidence. I’m a firm believer in the idea that once you start taking control of your body—through fitness, mindset, and emotional mastery—your wife will start noticing.
Why Women Lose Interest: The Role of Dominance and Hypergamy
A lot of men get frustrated when their wives lose interest, but what they fail to recognize is that hypergamy plays a huge role in maintaining attraction. Rollo Tomassi talks about this extensively in The Rational Male. Hypergamy means that a woman is always looking for the best man she can get, even within the context of marriage.
The good news is that you can use hypergamy to your advantage. Women crave a man who is superior to them in some way—be it in confidence, dominance, or ambition. If you’re constantly improving yourself, both mentally and physically, you automatically keep her interested. She wants to look up to you. If she sees that you’re striving to be better, she’ll remain attracted to you.
Stop Trying to Fix Her, Fix Yourself
One of the biggest mistakes I see men make is trying to fix their wives. Here’s the truth: you can’t fix her. You can only fix yourself. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself. Improve your mindset, your fitness, your emotional control. When you start leveling up, she’ll notice, and she’ll start responding to you differently.
Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18 dives into this concept of self-improvement as a key factor in maintaining attraction in long-term relationships. If you haven't read the book yet, get your copy here. In it, I share insights on how to build attraction by focusing on your own growth and development rather than trying to change her.
The Power of Emotional Connection
One of the things I’ve realized over the years is that women want emotional connection before physical intimacy. I used to think that if I just worked out more, made more money, and looked better, everything would fall into place. But here’s the kicker: women also want to feel heard and understood.
In the Married Man's Sex Life Primer, Athol Kay emphasizes the importance of emotional connection in a marriage. If you want your wife to want you again, you have to create a safe space for her emotions. Don’t be that guy who dismisses her feelings. Listen to her, validate her, and make her feel secure. When she feels emotionally connected, the physical connection will follow.
Changing the Paradigm
Now, if you’re reading this, chances are you're struggling with maintaining attraction in your marriage. You might be thinking, “My wife never initiates sex anymore, and I don’t know what to do.” Trust me, I’ve been there.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming her, but here’s the thing: it’s not about her. It’s about you. In The Essential Skills of a Masculine Presence: Psychology - Paradigm, I talk about how our paradigms shape our reality. If you believe that your wife has lost interest and that nothing can be done, that’s exactly what will happen. But if you shift your mindset and focus on becoming more attractive, the results will follow.
Grab a copy of the book here if you want to dive deeper into the power of paradigms and how they influence our relationships.
Conclusion: Book a Strategy Call
If you’re ready to make a change in your marriage and restore the intimacy that once existed, start by focusing on yourself. Become more confident, assertive, and dominant. Let your wife see that you are constantly improving, both mentally and physically. It’s not about manipulating her—it’s about becoming the best version of yourself, and in doing so, naturally attracting her back to you.
If you’re serious about transforming your relationship and getting your wife to want you again, I invite you to book a strategy session with me. We’ll dive deep into your specific situation and map out a plan to restore that passion. Click here to schedule your call, and let’s get started on making her desire you again.
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