Restoring intimacy in a marriage can seem challenging, especially after years together, but it’s not impossible. In fact, one of the most common issues I hear from clients is about the lack of physical intimacy in their marriage. If you're thinking, "How do I restore intimacy in my marriage?"—you’re not alone. This post will dive deep into the strategies you can use to reignite that spark with your wife, bringing insights from my book Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, as well as key concepts from Married Man’s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay, The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, and Atomic Attraction by Christopher Canwell.
Identifying the Root of the Issue
First, it’s crucial to identify the root cause of the lack of intimacy in your marriage. Intimacy isn't just about sex; it's about connection, attraction, and emotional bonding. In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I talk extensively about how attraction isn’t a one-time thing—it needs continuous nurturing. When men stop putting in effort and fall into routine, women can begin to lose that emotional and physical attraction. Think back to when you were dating. You were likely focused on being your best self: working on your fitness, being mentally sharp, and showing her your most confident side. That dynamic doesn't need to stop after marriage.
From Married Man's Sex Life Primer, Athol Kay explains that a woman’s attraction is tied to her man’s dominance and confidence, not just in the bedroom but in life. Women crave stability, leadership, and confidence from their men. If she sees you faltering, becoming passive, or disconnected, her desire for you will fade. Fixing this requires a strategic approach.
Building Attraction: The Foundation
One of the first steps to restore intimacy is to focus on building attraction. Attraction is about more than just physical appearance—though that does play a role. In Atomic Attraction, Christopher Canwell talks about how women are drawn to men who are confident and carry themselves with authority. You must be intentional in maintaining that masculine energy if you want to draw her back to you.
In the dating chapter of Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I explain how confidence and self-improvement play critical roles in building attraction. When you work on yourself—both physically and mentally—you become a more attractive person. Start by evaluating your current state. Are you hitting the gym regularly? Are you working on personal development and keeping your mind sharp? These small changes can have a massive impact on how your wife perceives you.
Rollo Tomassi, in The Rational Male, explains how men often lose their frame when they enter long-term relationships. You stop being the man who is focused on his goals, passions, and self-improvement, and you become complacent. This leads to what Tomassi refers to as “betaization”—a process where the man becomes submissive in the relationship, loses his edge, and his wife loses attraction as a result.
Restoring Emotional Connection
Physical intimacy often follows emotional connection. If you’ve stopped emotionally engaging with your wife, start reconnecting. Athol Kay highlights that women need to feel emotionally safe and secure to fully open up to their partners. Take time to listen to her concerns, share your day, and actively participate in her life.
I emphasize emotional connection in Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18. When you're genuinely interested in your wife’s life, feelings, and thoughts, it fosters emotional intimacy. This isn’t about being overly nice or agreeable. Women don't want to be coddled—they want a partner who is strong, dependable, and interested in what they have to say. Pay attention when she speaks, take her concerns seriously, and show that you value her input.
In The Rational Male, Tomassi notes that women desire emotional engagement but on their terms. This means that you should engage, but always maintain your frame. Stay true to yourself and don’t sacrifice your principles to please her.
Confidence and Dominance in the Bedroom
Let’s talk about the physical side of intimacy. In Married Man's Sex Life Primer, Athol Kay emphasizes the importance of confidence in the bedroom. You can’t be timid or unsure—women are attracted to dominance. Take control in a way that shows you’re confident in your own skin and your desires. This doesn’t mean being aggressive or forceful; it means leading the interaction in a way that makes her feel desired and safe.
Canwell's Atomic Attraction drives home the point that men must remain assertive and confident in their approach. When you’re tentative or unsure, it shows a lack of confidence, which can be a major turn-off. Approach intimacy with intention, knowing that you are the man who can lead your wife into a renewed sexual connection.
Letting Go of Desperation
One of the most important lessons I talk about in Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18 is not to come across as desperate. Desperation is the enemy of attraction. You cannot force your wife to desire you again. You must create the conditions for her to be naturally drawn to you.
Athol Kay also warns against seeking validation from your wife. The moment you start seeking her approval and become needy, you lose the upper hand. In contrast, maintaining your own personal power and independence is far more attractive.
Rollo Tomassi emphasizes this concept in The Rational Male. He teaches that men must learn to be indifferent to the outcome. The “stay plan is the same as the go plan” mentality means that whether your wife re-engages with you sexually or not, your value remains intact. You don’t depend on her approval for your self-worth. This is incredibly attractive to women.
Creating Space for Desire
Desire needs space to grow. If you’ve been suffocating your wife with constant attention or pressure, it’s time to pull back. Give her the room to miss you, to wonder about you, and to feel the tension of wanting you. This tension is a key component of sexual attraction.
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I explain how maintaining a bit of mystery can reignite the attraction. You don’t need to be an open book all the time. Let her see you working on yourself, pursuing your passions, and being independent.
Athol Kay echoes this in Married Man's Sex Life Primer. When you’re constantly available and overly accommodating, you become predictable and unexciting. Giving your wife the gift of space—both emotional and physical—allows her to desire you again.
Practical Steps to Take
- Work on Yourself First: Focus on improving yourself, both physically and mentally. Hit the gym, read, and work on personal development. When you are at your best, she’ll notice.
- Regain Your Confidence: Stop seeking validation from your wife. Be confident in who you are and what you bring to the table. Women are naturally drawn to men who are self-assured.
- Engage Emotionally: Start reconnecting on an emotional level. Take time to talk to her, listen, and show genuine interest in her life.
- Lead in the Bedroom: Be confident in the bedroom. Take control in a way that makes her feel desired and secure. Don’t be afraid to initiate, but do so with assertiveness and confidence.
- Give Her Space: Stop being overly available. Allow her the space to miss you and feel the tension of desire building again.
Book a Strategy Session
If you’re struggling to reignite intimacy in your marriage, you’re not alone. Many men face the same challenges, but the key is knowing what steps to take. I’ve worked with countless men to help them bring back the passion and intimacy in their marriages. If you're ready to get your wife to want you again, let’s talk. Book a strategy session with me here and let’s work together to restore the intimacy in your relationship.
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