Reviving intimacy in a marriage can be challenging, especially when life gets in the way and you find yourself in a dead bedroom situation. As men, we often feel responsible for the decline in physical intimacy, and it’s easy to blame ourselves or our partners. However, the truth is that a lack of sexual interest often stems from deeper issues, such as changes in attraction, unmet emotional needs, and shifts in dynamics. In this blog post, I'll share insights from my book, Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, as well as powerful advice from "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay, "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi, and "Atomic Attraction" by Christopher Canwell. By the end, you’ll have actionable strategies to reignite the passion in your marriage and get your wife interested in sex again.
The Foundation of Attraction: Building the Right Frame
Attraction in a long-term relationship requires constant nurturing. It’s not enough to rely on the initial sparks that brought you together. As discussed in Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, maintaining attraction is about consistently embodying the traits that first drew her to you. This means staying confident, decisive, and purpose-driven. When you lose sight of your mission or become too complacent in the relationship, your wife may subconsciously start to lose attraction.
Rollo Tomassi in "The Rational Male" emphasizes the importance of maintaining your frame. This means being the leader in your relationship, not just in the bedroom but in life. When you’re grounded in your purpose and not seeking validation from your wife, she will naturally be more attracted to you. She wants a man who can lead, who has a mission, and who is unshakeable in his pursuit of his goals.
Rediscovering Your Sexual Power: Lessons from “Married Man’s Sex Life Primer”
One of the key takeaways from Athol Kay’s "Married Man’s Sex Life Primer" is that you must work on yourself first if you want to see changes in your sexual relationship. This means getting back in touch with your sexuality, rediscovering your masculine energy, and showing up as the best version of yourself in your marriage.
Athol suggests a step-by-step approach to revamping your sex life, starting with the basics: physical fitness, grooming, and being more sexually assertive. It’s about presenting yourself as the attractive, desirable man she fell in love with. This doesn’t mean being aggressive or overbearing; rather, it’s about being confident in your own sexuality and making her feel desired.
One practical tip from Athol is to initiate physical contact more often, but without the expectation of it leading to sex. This creates a safe space for intimacy to develop naturally, without her feeling pressured. Women need emotional connection and safety to be sexually open, and by being affectionate without an agenda, you lay the groundwork for her to feel more comfortable and interested in sex again.
Breaking Free from the Betaization Process: Insights from “The Rational Male”
Rollo Tomassi describes the process of "betaization," where a man gradually loses his alpha traits and becomes more submissive in the relationship. This often leads to a loss of respect and attraction from his wife. To reignite sexual interest, you need to reverse this process and reassert your dominant, masculine frame.
One of the most effective ways to do this is by setting boundaries and sticking to them. If your wife has become accustomed to you always putting her needs above your own, start asserting yourself more. This doesn’t mean being rude or dismissive but rather showing that you have your own life, your own goals, and that you’re not willing to compromise on them. When you respect yourself, she will respect you more and find you more attractive.
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I discuss the importance of having a "mental map" for your relationship. This means having a clear vision of where you want the relationship to go and not wavering from that path. When you’re clear about your expectations and what you will and won’t tolerate, she will see you as a strong, capable man and will be more likely to be attracted to you.
Using the Law of Attraction to Build Sexual Tension
Christopher Canwell’s "Atomic Attraction" provides valuable insights into how to create and maintain sexual tension in a relationship. One of his key points is that tension and release are at the core of sexual attraction. This means you must learn to balance being available and slightly out of reach. It’s about creating a sense of mystery and excitement.
In your marriage, this might look like taking time for yourself, pursuing your own hobbies, and not always being available. It’s crucial to maintain your individuality, even in a committed relationship. When she sees that you have your own life, your own interests, and that you’re not always waiting around for her, she will start to see you in a different light. She will be reminded of the man she first fell for—the man who was driven, passionate, and had his own thing going on.
Practical Steps to Get Her Interested in Sex Again
- Work on Yourself Physically and Mentally: Invest time in your health, fitness, and personal growth. The more confident you are, the more attractive you become.
- Reignite Your Masculine Energy: Show up with confidence, assertiveness, and a strong sense of purpose. Be the man she was initially drawn to.
- Initiate Non-Sexual Physical Contact: Touch her more often without expecting it to lead to sex. This builds a foundation of intimacy.
- Set Boundaries and Stick to Them: Don’t be afraid to assert your needs and desires. When you respect yourself, she will respect you more.
- Create Mystery and Tension: Pursue your own interests and give her space to miss you. This creates a sense of mystery and excitement in the relationship.
Take Control of Your Relationship
Getting your wife interested in sex again isn’t about manipulating her or following a set of tricks. It’s about becoming the best version of yourself, embodying the traits that make you attractive, and maintaining your frame. As Rollo Tomassi, Athol Kay, and Christopher Canwell have all pointed out, it’s about being the man you were meant to be—confident, assertive, and purposeful.
In my book, Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I delve deeper into the principles of building and maintaining attraction in relationships. If you’re struggling with a lack of intimacy in your marriage, it’s time to take action.
Don’t wait for things to change on their own. Book a strategy session with me at http://coaching.comeonmanpod.com and let’s work together to transform your relationship and get your wife interested in sex again. It’s time to reclaim your masculinity and become the man she can’t resist. Take the first step today!
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