Long-term relationships often face challenges in maintaining sexual attraction, but it doesn't have to stay that way. If you're feeling like your wife has lost interest in sex, you're not alone. This blog will provide practical steps, insights, and strategies to help you reignite that spark, based on my book Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, as well as from The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay, The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, and Atomic Attraction by Christopher Canwell.
Why Has She Lost Interest?
Before we jump into the steps on how to get your wife interested in sex again, it's crucial to understand why this may have happened in the first place. Many men tend to believe that the lack of sexual interest is solely due to a physical issue or a loss of attraction. While that can play a part, the underlying causes are often more complex.
In The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer, Athol Kay explains that sexual desire in women is deeply connected to emotional and psychological health. If your wife doesn’t feel safe, understood, or valued emotionally, it’s likely she won’t desire physical intimacy. Additionally, Rollo Tomassi’s The Rational Male emphasizes that men must maintain their personal frame and confidence to keep attraction alive. If you’ve become complacent, lost your edge, or let your leadership in the relationship slip, it may be negatively affecting her attraction to you.
When writing Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I dedicated entire sections to explaining how relationships evolve and how critical it is to keep your edge, stay emotionally present, and maintain self-respect.
Step 1: Start With You
The first thing I tell every man facing a dead bedroom situation is to start with himself. You cannot expect your wife to become interested in sex again if you haven’t been working on yourself. Christopher Canwell’s Atomic Attraction makes it clear: women are drawn to men who display high value. When you first started dating, chances are you were in the best shape of your life, mentally sharp, and ambitious. Are you still that man today?
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I talk about how easy it is to fall into a routine of complacency once you’ve settled into a long-term relationship. However, if you want to reignite her desire, it’s time to step back and look at the bigger picture. How is your health? Are you taking care of your body? Do you have a mission outside of your marriage? A confident, driven man is inherently attractive, and you need to be this man again if you want to bring that spark back.
Practical Steps:
- Hit the gym regularly, and improve your physical fitness.
- Focus on personal goals that inspire you.
- Keep learning and growing as an individual; whether it’s skills or mindset, always be developing yourself.
Step 2: Rebuild Emotional Connection
Emotional connection plays a huge role in sexual intimacy. Athol Kay emphasizes that women need to feel connected emotionally to want to engage physically. If you’ve been distant, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable, it's no surprise that the bedroom has become a place of tension rather than connection.
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I discuss how to maintain emotional intimacy by truly being present in your relationship. Listening to your wife, understanding her needs, and making her feel valued are key steps to restoring that emotional bond. Often, simply spending quality time together without distractions can be a game changer.
Practical Steps:
- Schedule weekly date nights without any interruptions (put your phone away!).
- Take an interest in her thoughts and feelings. Engage her in meaningful conversations.
- Show appreciation. Let her know how much you value her in your life.
Step 3: Reignite Physical Touch—Non-Sexual
One of the biggest mistakes men make when trying to fix a dead bedroom is focusing solely on sexual touch. Before sex can return, physical touch without the expectation of sex must come back. Touch is one of the love languages, and if you aren’t engaging with her physically in a non-sexual way, she’ll feel disconnected.
Christopher Canwell in Atomic Attraction points out how essential it is for a woman to feel safe and cared for through affectionate touch. Whether it's a hug, holding hands, or cuddling, these small gestures can rebuild trust and intimacy. In The Rational Male, Rollo Tomassi reinforces this idea by suggesting that men need to create a space of comfort and safety before expecting sexual advances.
Practical Steps:
- Hug her for longer than usual without expecting anything in return.
- Give her a massage or simply hold her hand when walking together.
- Cuddle while watching TV or just sitting together on the couch.
Step 4: Be the Man She Was First Attracted To
One of the core lessons I cover in Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18 is that attraction is not a one-time event, it’s a continuous effort. In the early stages of dating, you likely displayed behaviors that were magnetic to your wife. You were confident, assertive, and had your life together. Over time, it's easy to let these traits fade, which can lead to a drop in sexual attraction.
Rollo Tomassi argues that men need to continually develop their masculine presence to maintain attraction. Don’t think that just because you’ve been married for years, you can stop being the dominant, attractive man she fell in love with. You need to continually show that you are in control of your life and relationship.
Practical Steps:
- Revisit your confident side. Take charge in decisions and show leadership in the relationship.
- Be spontaneous and unpredictable like you were when dating—surprise her with fun activities or date nights.
- Maintain your frame—don’t lose yourself in trying to please her at all costs. Be the man she respects.
Step 5: Sexual Communication—Talk About It
Most couples shy away from talking about sex, which is often why things fall apart in the bedroom. If your wife has lost interest in sex, it's important to talk about it. Athol Kay recommends direct and honest conversations about sex in The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer. The key is to communicate in a way that is non-judgmental and constructive.
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I stress the importance of open communication, especially when dealing with sensitive topics like sex. It’s not about complaining or accusing, but rather opening a dialogue where both of you can express your needs and desires.
Practical Steps:
- Ask her about her needs and desires in a calm and non-pressuring way.
- Be honest about your needs without making her feel guilty or responsible.
- Set aside time to talk openly and regularly about your sexual relationship.
Step 6: Don’t Focus On the Outcome
Finally, one of the most important lessons I can offer is this: don’t focus on the outcome. Rollo Tomassi teaches in The Rational Male that men who focus too much on getting sex are actually decreasing their chances. Desperation is unattractive, and your wife can sense when you're acting out of frustration or neediness.
In Everything I Wish I Knew When I Was 18, I talk about the importance of letting go of expectations and just enjoying the process. The same applies to your sex life—when you focus on building connection, confidence, and attraction without making sex the primary goal, it becomes easier for it to return naturally.
Practical Steps:
- Stop obsessing over when the next time will be—enjoy the process of reconnecting with your wife.
- Keep working on yourself and your relationship without making sex the end goal.
- Be patient—changing the dynamic in your relationship takes time, but it’s worth it.
Conclusion: Take Action Today
Bringing intimacy back into your marriage takes time, effort, and strategy. By working on yourself, rebuilding emotional and physical connection, and maintaining the traits that initially attracted your wife, you can reignite the passion in your relationship. Remember, this isn’t just about getting your wife interested in sex again; it’s about building a stronger, more fulfilling connection overall.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I encourage you to book a strategy session with me at http://coaching.comeonmanpod.com. Let’s work together to help you regain that sexual connection with your wife and bring the spark back into your marriage.
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